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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24512350">Unforgettable</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hi_im_eff/pseuds/hi_im_eff'>hi_im_eff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Downton Abbey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Happy Ending, Jimmy is a chaotic bisexual in denial, Light Angst, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Smut, but not very much of it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:21:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,457</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24512350</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hi_im_eff/pseuds/hi_im_eff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Unforgettable, that's what you are </em> <em><br/></em> <em> Unforgettable, though near or far </em><br/><em>Like a song of love that clings to me </em><br/><em>How the thought of you does things to me<br/></em> <em>Never before has someone been more </em><br/><em> Unforgettable in every way </em></p><p> <br/>Jimmy catches a glimpse of Thomas he did not ever think he'd see and can't seem to forget about it. The event brings up feelings in him that he didn't know he had, or had tried very hard to ignore, and the memory of a certain night at Downton makes a re-appearance.<br/>- </p><p>Or; a "there, I fixed it" starting a couple of weeks after season 3 episode 9 (aka. "the Christmas special").</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thomas Barrow/Jimmy Kent</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title and song excerpt is from the song “Unforgettable”, as sung by Nat King Cole.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p><em>Unforgettable, that's what you are </em> <em><br/>
</em> <em> Unforgettable, though near or far </em></p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>“Did you really?” Jimmy laughed. “What did he say?”</p><p>He stood in the kitchen half leaning against the counter. Thomas stood in front of him, holding an unlit cigarette between his fingers.</p><p>“I don’t believe that.” Daisy said, so enthralled by Thomas’ story that she had forgotten about the dough she was kneading. </p><p>“I did.” Thomas said. “But it didn’t go down that well, I’ll tell you that.” He shook his head with an amused smile on his lips. </p><p>“I could never.” Daisy said breathless.</p><p>Jimmy looked at Thomas, amazed by the story he had just heard. He didn’t know the under-butler would be so daring, let alone tell such an amusing story about himself so readily. He’d always thought Thomas to be reserved, not wanting to mingle too much with the rest of the staff at Downton and absolutely not wanting to share very much about his life before he came there. This small tidbit of information made Jimmy wonder what else he had experienced in his life before coming into service. He felt a craving sensation of wanting to know more about the ever so mysterious Thomas Barrow. </p><p>“Is that tea going to take itself upstairs James?” Mr Carson interrupted Jimmy's inner monologue, his voice booming over the kitchen. “Or is lady Mary and lady Edith to take their tea downstairs in the kitchen among the staff?”</p><p>“Sorry Mr Carson” Jimmy huffed out, hurriedly picking the tray up and dashing off.  </p><p>“And you?” Mr Carson continued, turning to Thomas. “Do you not have somewhere to be?” </p><p>“Well I was having a splendid conversation just then,” Thomas answered. “But since my company suddenly disappeared I suppose I can find something else to do.” He flashed a quick, sarcastic smile and left the kitchen, placing the cigarette between his lips as he did. </p><p>Daisy let out a small giggle, but quickly put her head down and concentrated on the dough when Mr Carson whipped his head around to look at her. It was best not to catch his anger, she mused, even if Thomas’ obvious snark <em> was </em> funny.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Upstairs Jimmy was standing in the library as lady Edith and lady Mary were drinking their tea, chatting away about the possible addition of pigs to the farmland. Usually when it was just the two of them they would dismiss Jimmy, not thinking it necessary for him to stand at the ready just for them, but today they seemed to have forgotten he was there. So he did what a footman did in a situation like that and just stood, ears at the ready in case they wanted anything but letting his mind wander.</p><p>He was glad he and Thomas were on speaking terms again. He had missed their conversations, since Alfred wasn’t much to have when it came to any sort of deeper discussions on things. Thomas was intelligent, much more than Jimmy himself, he thought. And the fact that he read so much ensured that there was always an interesting thought floating about in that raven haired head of his. He felt his thoughts wander back to that night when he had sat next to Thomas’ bed reading the paper to him and his gut twisted into an uncomfortable knot. The bruises on Thomas’ face were healed now but Jimmy could still see them clearly in his mind, the black and blue marks covering the otherwise so pale skin, the stark contrast making them stand out even more. They never spoke about it, how Thomas had saved Jimmy that day, but Jimmy found his thoughts wandering to it whenever he had a moment of stillness. How Thomas hadn’t hesitated to do that, but instead had jumped in head first as if Jimmy had been some damsel in distress. But then again, he thought to himself, maybe that had been how Thomas had seen him? He knew that Thomas.. He stopped his train of thought there, feeling the twist in his stomach again. He hadn’t even thanked him, he thought instead, not properly. Just acted like it was big of him to agree to be Thomas’ friend. Like that was something big to ask for someone that saved you from a hell of a beating?</p><p>“Oh James, are you still here?” Mary sounded surprised. “I’m sorry, did we completely forget you in our fascinating talk about pigs?” She said it with a smile, but sounded a bit remorseful. </p><p>“I’m happy to be of service, my lady.” Jimmy answered. “It’s nothing to apologize for.” </p><p>“I’m glad. Well we’re done now so you can take the tray back down with you when you go.”</p><p>“Certainly my lady.” Jimmy said with a small bow of his head as he walked over to take the tray.</p><p>“Thank you James.” Edith said as she and her sister stood. </p><p>He gave them both another small bow of the head and headed out.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Later that evening, when they were done with the working day, Jimmy was lingering in the servant’s hall. He felt tired after the long day of work, but for some reason felt against the idea of going to bed. Anna and Bates had just left, saying good night to Jimmy, Alfred and Thomas who were still sitting at the table. Alfred had begged Jimmy to play some cards which he reluctantly agreed too and Thomas was reading the paper while smoking his usual cigarette. Jimmy had a hard time concentrating on the game and gave up a frustrated groan when he lost for the third time. </p><p>“I’d better turn in before you get cross with me.” Alfred said with a sheepish grin and stood. “Good night.”</p><p>Jimmy huffed, not feeling the want to bid Alfred a good night at all. He heard a small chuckle from behind the newspaper.</p><p>“What?” He said hardly.</p><p>“Oh nothing.” Thomas said, lowering the paper so he could see Jimmy. There was an amused gleam in his eyes. “Nothing at all, mister bad loser.”</p><p>“Shut up.” Jimmy threw a card at him. It caught wind and turned around, flopping down unimpressively on the table between them. </p><p>“Seems the cards are not on your side tonight.” Thomas said, pursing his lips. His face was serious but his tone all the more amused. “Something on your mind?”</p><p>Jimmy shook his head. “Not really, I don’t think.”</p><p>“If you say so.” Thomas said, taking a long drag on his cigarette. </p><p>“What?” Jimmy gave him a puzzled look.</p><p>“Well I don’t know, you’ve been caught in your own thoughts this afternoon is all.” Thomas said lightly, his eyes fixed on the paper. “I thought maybe something was the matter.”</p><p>“Well,” Jimmy started. His thoughts wandered back to when he was standing in the library, what he had realized back then. It had been on his mind since then, making his mind preoccupied. But how in the world did Thomas know that?</p><p>“I just realized,” he said, deciding that now was as good a time as any to bring it up. “That I never thanked you.” </p><p>Thomas fixed his gaze at him, a quizzical look in his eyes. “Thanked me?”</p><p>“For saving me.” Jimmy said. “I was a jerk to you and you saved me from getting my arse kicked.”</p><p>“Oh.” For once, Thomas didn’t seem to know what to say.</p><p>“Thank you.” Jimmy said hoarsely, feeling his throat constrict with a feeling of being overwhelmed by the situation. “Truly.”</p><p>Something lit up inside Thomas’ eyes as he heard Jimmy speak those words. Something Jimmy didn’t realize he had been missing, but upon seeing it again it felt like a part of the world had been restored. Like a wrong had been made right. Like it had been night for too long and now, finally, the dawn had returned.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>James was picking up the scattered cards after the game with Alfred when Mr Carson appeared in the doorway.</p><p>“Ah James,” he said. “Did Mr Barrow go upstairs?”</p><p>James nodded. “Yes he did Mr Carson, but just a few minutes ago.”</p><p>“Could you tell him that he will need to help his lordship at the dressing gong tomorrow? Bates needs to go into York and I’m ashamed to say that I forgot to tell him before now. I didn’t realize the time.”</p><p>He looked tired, Jimmy thought, more so than usual.</p><p>“Is something wrong Mr Carson?” He asked.</p><p>Mr Carson looked surprised at the question. “No, no not at all James. I’m just busy, that is all.”</p><p>Jimmy wasn’t sure he completely believed that. He wasn’t sure he’d ever heard Carson admit to forgetting anything. But it wasn’t his business to pry, he decided.</p><p>“Of course Mr Carson. I’ll tell him.” </p><p>Jimmy took the steps upstairs two at a time, something Carson would have been absolutely livid about had he seen it. He hurried along the hallway in the servants’ quarters, afraid Thomas would already have fallen asleep. </p><p>He gave a short knock on the door and turned the handle at the same time, not thinking to wait, and took a step inside.</p><p>“Thomas, Mr Carson wanted you to-” he felt himself choke on the rest of the sentence, his jaw going slack. His mind felt like it had gone entirely blank.</p><p>Thomas was standing in the middle of the room with his undershirt in his hands. He seemed like he was just getting ready for bed, his shirtless chest gleaming in the soft light as he turned around at the sound of Jimmy barging in. </p><p>“Jimmy.” Thomas startled. </p><p>Jimmy felt like time had slowed down. His heart raced as a thousand images flooded his mind all at the same time, yet he could see them all as clear as day. Hands on his shoulders as he wound the clock. A bruised face. Otherwise so meticulous hair messy. A bleeding lip. Grey eyes twinkling with unheld laughter. Hands holding today's paper. Lips closing around a cigarette, smoke trailing out as they formed words. Lips, warm and soft against his own. </p><p>With a sharp breath he turned around, almost slammed the door shut and walked towards his room as fast as his wobbly legs would bear him. His hands fumbled as he opened the door to his room and hurried inside. Finally inside he leaned his back to the door, successfully barricading himself from the rest of the house. </p><p><em> What was wrong with him? </em>Running away like that just because Thomas was- He swallowed thickly. He was just tired, he reasoned. That must be it. Just tired after the long day and the disappointing card game. Yes, that was it. He’d feel better after a good night's sleep. Much, much better.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Have I just raced through the first four seasons of Downton Abbey for the first time and am now complete and utter trash for a certain misunderstood, gay under-butler? Obviously. Did I feel the strong need to write something about said under-butler and the offensively adorable first footman, even though I have other works that are waiting to be finished? Obviously. </p><p>Unbetad!</p><p> </p><p>Oh, and I’ve just started season five so NO SPOILERS plz.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p><em> Like a song of love that clings to me </em> <em><br/>
</em> <em> How the thought of you does things to me </em><br/>
<em> Never before has someone been more </em> <em><br/>
</em>Unforgettable in every way</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Jimmy entered the servants’ hall late the following morning. He had spent the night twisting and turning, a dull ache in his entire body that had made him think he might be coming down with a fever. He felt like an absolute wreck.</p><p>He mumbled a quiet “morning” to the others as he sat down, quickly pouring himself a cup of tea to try and make himself more awake. </p><p>“Are you alright?” Thomas’ voice was soft and full of concern.  </p><p>Jimmy lifted his gaze to meet Tomas’ and could see that his face reflected that same concern. He felt his hand shake as their eyes met and he accidentally slammed his cup down on the saucer.</p><p>“Careful with the ceramics please James.” Mr Carson said as he entered the room. The usual deafening sound of chairs scraping against the floor filled the room as everyone hurried to stand, and then again as everyone sat down. </p><p>“Sorry Mr Carson.” James mumbled into his teacup, trying to will his hand to be still this time. </p><p>“I take it James told you that you’ll need to step in as his lordships valet this afternoon?” Mr Carson said, turning toward Thomas. </p><p>Jimmy's head shot up. He had completely forgotten about that since last night. He could already hear the scolding he was going to get from Mr Carson, promising to do something and then not following through.</p><p>Thomas cast just one quick glance on Jimmy and then answered. “Yes, yes he did.”</p><p>“Good.” Mr Carson nodded. </p><p>Jimmy let out a silent breath of relief, casting a thankful look at Thomas before quickly turning his attention to his tea again.</p><p>“I’ll be leaving at four, so you don’t have to do much more than help at the gong. I’ll be back before his lordship goes to bed, I hope.” Bates said. </p><p>As Thomas gave him a small nod the bells on the board behind Mr Carson started ringing.</p><p>“Well then,” Mrs Huges said, taking a final drink of her tea. “Another day starting.”</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>It felt like Jimmy had been rushing about all day trying to catch up. Whatever he did or wherever he was he felt like he was one step behind. Carson had been on his case more than once already and it was only midday. He rushed down the stairs for what seemed like the hundredth time today, trying not to bump into Anna as she went up, and turned the corner so sharply when he reached the hallway that he almost slammed into Thomas.</p><p>“Jimmy,” Thomas said, his hand reaching out toward Jimmy as the first footman went to hurry past him, effectively stopping Jimmy in his tracks. Thomas dropped his hand quickly, seeming to think better than to actually touch him, and Jimmy felt a confusing sense of loss. <em> What was the matter with him today? </em> </p><p>“Are you alright? You look, well you look like something the cat dragged in to be honest.” Thomas said. The look of concern from this morning was back and Jimmy felt his stomach twist. </p><p>He tried to give a reassuring smile. “I’m alright. I didn’t sleep too good is all.” At least that much was true, he mused. </p><p>“I thought maybe you got sick last night when you rushed out.” There was a crease on Thomas’ forehead. Jimmy didn’t like that. He wanted to reach out, smooth it away with his fingers, draw out a smile instead. He swallowed dryly. <em> What the bloody hell was he on about?  </em></p><p>“I, uh. Yeah I didn’t feel too good.” He answered vaguely. He could hear the door slam shut in the background but it didn’t seem to matter right now with Thomas standing in front of him, focused on nothing else but Jimmy. </p><p>“Are you ill?” Thomas asked worriedly. “Do you have a fever?” He quickly brought his hand up and placed the back of it on Jimmy’s forehead as his eyes searched Jimmy’s face for any signs of illness. </p><p>Thomas’ hand felt cool and smooth against his skin, like cold metal - only softer. Jimmy felt his eyes slip shut as he reveled in the feeling, his tired body relaxing for the first time that day. It felt like everything else slipped further away, like this was the only important part of reality. </p><p>“Out of my way lads!” Mrs Patmore hollered, her face red as she came rushing down the corridor holding a huge basket in her hands. Normally they would have both jumped out of the way but their preoccupied minds made them slow to the start and before they knew it Jimmy had been pushed into Thomas’ chest, pinning Thomas to the wall.</p><p>“S’cuse me, s’cuse me!” Mrs Patmore said as she and the giant basket squeezed past them.</p><p>Jimmy’s eyes had flung open at the impact and he was now staring into Thomas’ grey eyes, their chests pressed firmly together. Jimmy felt short of breath, like something had caught in his throat and he couldn’t get enough air through. Thomas’ lips were slightly parted in chock from the crash and Jimmy felt his gaze slip down to stare at them. <em> Were they always this rosy in colour? </em>Jimmy wasn’t sure he had ever seen a man with lips that colour before. He knew what they felt like, he thought. Knew that they were soft, as soft as any of the girls’ that he had kissed. </p><p>“Jimmy.” Thomas' voice was strained. </p><p>With a chock Jimmy realized what he was doing and flung himself backwards, hitting the opposite wall with a loud bang and almost knocking the air out of himself. His breath was ragged and he could see that Thomas was in no better shape. He looked disheveled, which James had only seen him do once before, then in a very different setting. </p><p>“Jimmy, where've you gone too?” Mrs Patmore shouted from the kitchen. “The luncheon is ready! You won’t have poor Alfred serve it all by himself will you?”</p><p>Sweet, merciful Mrs Patmore, Jimmy thought fleetingly as he pushed himself off the wall and rushed off, avoiding another glance at Thomas. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>When they sat down for dinner in the servants’ hall Jimmy couldn’t help but steal a glance at Thomas. He had hardly seen him all day, avoiding to take a smoke break as he would usually have done, but now he just couldn’t keep himself from looking at him. As soon as his gaze landed on Thomas, the under-butler looked up and Jimmy felt a blush creep up his neck. He quickly looked down into his soup again. <em> How did he do that? </em> How did he make Jimmy feel out of breath just by looking at him? Jimmy felt as he had been turned into some short-breathed, trembling fool, blushing like a maiden every time Thomas looked at him. He was bewildered, scared and perhaps worst of all - a little intrigued. </p><p>“Mr Carson.” Alfred said. “I got a telegram today from my mother, asking if I could possibly come home soon.”</p><p>“Well,” Mr Carson answered. “You have your half-day coming up next week I believe?”</p><p>“Yes but,” Alfred hesitated. “The thing is Mr Carson, that my father seems to have fallen ill.”</p><p>“I hope it’s nothing too serious?” Mrs Huges said, looking worried.</p><p>“My mother didn’t say, but she sounded a bit urgent.” Alfred answered.</p><p>“Of course you can go, can’t he Mr Carson?” Mrs Huges said, turning to Mr Carson as she spoke.</p><p>“Yes, it would seem like you should.” Mr Carson answered. “I’d say you should go tomorrow, but with the dinner tomorrow evening I’m not sure how we will manage.”</p><p>“Oh that’s right,” Mrs Huges said. “You’re going into London tomorrow.”</p><p>“Yes,” Mr Carson said. “His lordship and myself are needed in London tomorrow. And that would leave us already short handed at dinner I’m afraid, especially with lady Rosamund and lady Rose here.”</p><p>Alfred nodded, looking down. “I understand Mr Carson.”</p><p>“Let young Alfred go Mr Carson.” Thomas said. “I’m sure Jimmy and I can manage dinner on our own. Don’t you think, Jimmy?” </p><p>Everyone around the table fell into a stunned silence, shocked over this seemingly selfless offer. Thomas wasn’t known by the other staff to do things that were not in his own interest, and they couldn’t see how this would benefit him at all. It would rather make for a stressful evening for him, which wasn’t something he was fond of at all. </p><p>Jimmy, though not equally as shocked as the others, was still puzzled. He knew better than anyone that Thomas could be both selfless and kind. The shock of the matter was not that, but that it was seldom directed toward anyone but Jimmy, let alone toward Alfred.</p><p>“I’m sure Mr Barrow and I can manage.” Jimmy said with a smile, trying to feign some confidence when he had none. Whatever reason Thomas had, Jimmy was glad to help Alfred. He always wished he could have seen his father one last time, and if things <em> were </em> bad with Alfred's father, then Jimmy didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t get to go.</p><p>“Well I suppose you can go then.” Mr Carson said, rearranging his expression to his usual ‘I’m a very proper butler’-one. </p><p>“Thank you Mr Carson.” Alfred said, looking relieved. “And, thank you Mr Barrow.” He nodded toward Thomas. “I won’t soon forget it.” </p><p>Jimmy lingered in the servants’ hall as the rest made their way out of there, going about their daily chores. Thomas was still there, enjoying the last of his cigarette before he needed to rush off. Jimmy played with the napkin in front of him, feeling the urge to ask a question that had been on his mind all day, now that they were finally alone. He took a deep breath to ready himself. Then another. He folded his napkin. He took another deep breath. Cleared his throat. Then he swallowed.</p><p>“Is everything alright?” Thomas asked, raising one eyebrow.</p><p>Bugger, Jimmy thought. Well, better now than never. </p><p>“Actually,” Jimmy swallowed again. “I wanted to ask you something.”</p><p>There was a look in Thomas’ eyes that he couldn’t quite read, as if he both did and didn’t expect this. </p><p>“Go on.” Thomas said.</p><p>“I-” Jimmy began.</p><p>“Right, I’m ringing the gong. Mr Barrow, you better make yourself ready.” </p><p>“Right.” Thomas said, putting his cigarette out in the ashtray in front of him. “We’ll have to pick this up later, I believe.” He stood, cast another look at Jimmy as to say he was sorry to have to leave, and then walked toward the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Much later, after the dinner had been served to the family and all the aftermath had been taken care of, Jimmy made his way into the servants’ hall again, expecting to see a certain raven haired man sitting there with his usual evening cigarette. When he saw that he was in fact not there, he felt a tug of disappointment in his stomach. Where was he? </p><p>Jimmy went to the only place else he could think of, opening the door outside to peer out into the darkness. When he saw the small, glowing ember where Thomas and him usually stood on their smoke breaks, he felt relieved. <em> What did he think, that he’d just vanished or something?  </em></p><p>Determined, yet terrified, he made his way over to where Thomas was standing. He needed to ask, needed to know the answer. </p><p>“Hello Jimmy.” Thomas said, his voice low in the surrounding darkness. </p><p>“Hi.” Jimmy’s voice was almost a whisper. His eyes were slowly getting used to the darkness and he could start to make out Thomas’ face in profile as he stood leaning toward the wall behind him. The moment felt heavy and important, almost solemn. </p><p>“What did you want to ask me before?” Thomas asked. There was an edge to his voice that Jimmy didn’t recognize, like he already knew what Jimmy wanted to ask and didn’t approve. It made Jimmy nervous.</p><p>“Can I bum a cigarette?” The words rushed out.</p><p>He heard a small huff from Thomas, but he still reached into his pocket and fished a cigarette out of the packet, holding it out for Jimmy. When Jimmy took it his fingers brushed against Thomas’ lightly and he felt his heartbeat speed up. His hands trembled slightly when he placed the cigarette between his lips. Thomas brought his lighter out and held the lit flame up for Jimmy to light his cigarette on, and he held his other hand around it to shield it from the gentle breeze. Jimmy leaned in, letting the end of the cigarette meet the flame and in doing so trying to dare and lean in just a bit more than he usually would. He wanted to be bold enough to lean in far enough so that Thomas’ hand would make contact with his face, desperately wanting to feel those cool hands on him once again, but he drew back as soon as the cigarette had caught on, before his wish could be made reality. </p><p>They stood there, smoking side by side for a moment before Jimmy could muster the courage to utter the question that was on his mind.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” He said, needlessly. After all, Thomas had already agreed to it.</p><p>“Yes.” Thomas’ face was tilted upwards, his eyes tracing lines between the stars.</p><p>“You have to promise not to be angry with me.” Jimmy said quietly.</p><p>Thomas turned his face toward Jimmy, a small smirk playing on his lips. “Well now I’m interested.”</p><p>“Promise.” Jimmy pressed.</p><p>“I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try my hardest. What is it?” </p><p>Jimmy took a deep breath. He would have preferred to have Thomas’ word that he would not be cross with him, but he understood why he hesitated to give it. Jimmy, too, was hesitant to give his word on something he didn’t yet know the full extent too. He decided to ask anyway.</p><p>“How did you know?” He said, hesitating a bit on the last word.</p><p>Thomas took a long drag on his cigarette. “Know what?”</p><p>Jimmy fidgeted. “You know. That you like..”</p><p>“Smoking?” Thomas filled in.</p><p>“Stop it.” Jimmy said, a bit frustrated. “No. You know. Like.. Not girls.”</p><p>He grimaced a bit to himself. Smooth going there, Jimmy, he thought. Real mature conversation.</p><p>“How do you know that you do?” Thomas said. </p><p>“What, that I like girls?” Jimmy furrowed his brow. Whatever answer he had expected, it wasn’t this.</p><p>Thomas gave him a short nod.</p><p>“I guess,” Jimmy said. “I just know?”</p><p>“Right.” Thomas said, putting the cigarette between his lips for another drag. </p><p>Jimmy fell silent for a while, musing this over. </p><p>“But, how can you be sure?” </p><p>Thomas sighed. “Because I never wanted to kiss a girl. And whenever I tried it just didn’t feel right. Now can we leave this-”</p><p>“Right. But you want to kiss, you know,” Jimmy hesitated. “Men.” He dared to say it. “You want to kiss <em> them </em>?”</p><p>“Yes Jimmy.” Thomas said with a sigh, all of a sudden sounding very tired. “I want to kiss men.”</p><p>“Right.” </p><p>They stood in silence until Tomas had finished his cigarette. He threw it on the ground and put it out with his foot, the movements so habitual that they almost seemed practiced.</p><p>“Good night Jimmy.” He said softly before walking away, leaving Jimmy to his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The wind had picked up and Jimmy shivered where he stood. The better part of an hour must have passed since Thomas left and went to bed, but Jimmy was still standing outside. His cigarette was long finished and his fingers felt like ice even where they were shoved down his pockets, but he hadn’t moved. He was stood in place, like a statue, frozen by his own thoughts. </p><p>He had made himself go through it all countless times. Twisting and turning everything in his mind until he felt like he might truly lose it if he stood here thinking over everything yet another time. He hadn’t known what he imagined Thomas would answer, but his answer had shaken Jimmy to his core. Like something had moved inside him, making more room inside his body that had been feeling crowded and overflowing all day. </p><p>“Right.” He whispered to himself. “Yes.”</p><p>He started walking toward the house, his limbs stiff from the cold. The warmth of the house made him shiver as he stepped inside, carefully locking the door behind him. He realized that Thomas must have told Carson that Jimmy was still outside, otherwise he would have been locked out. The thought filled him with even more resolution. </p><p>He kept his steps light as he made himself all the way up to the attic, not wanting to risk waking anybody up. His heart pounded so loudly in his chest that he was almost afraid that that would be what woke someone up, not his footsteps. When he reached the servants’ quarters he almost changed his mind and had to battle with himself to not retreat into his room. Standing in front of the familiar door he thought back to once before when he stood here, hesitating all the same but for an entirely different reason. When did that change? He had been standing outside for almost an hour tonight trying to figure that out, and still he did not know. He wasn’t sure what had changed exactly, just that something had. He thought about the night before, how the image of Thomas’ bare chest had haunted his entire night, like some ghost seeking retribution for a wrong that needed right. When he had finally fallen asleep it had haunted his dreams all the same. </p><p>He reached for the door handle with a shaking hand, and he wondered if he would ever see a day where his hands didn’t tremble. Right now, that felt like an impossibility. He took a last deep breath to try and fill himself with something resembling confidence and opened the door. Quickly, he stepped inside, closing the door behind him. </p><p>The room was not clad in darkness like Jimmy had thought, or maybe hoped, it would be. The lamp next to Tomas’ bed was on, shining it’s warm light over him as he sat in bed. His legs were hidden under the covers as he sat propped up against his pillow, a book in his hands. </p><p>“Jimmy?” Thomas looked confused. “What are you doing here?” His voice was soft, not accusatory like Jimmy had feared it might be. </p><p>Jimmy pressed his back against the hard surface of the door, trying to ground himself in this moment, not sure what would happen otherwise. </p><p>“I have another question.” He heard himself say. </p><p>“Alright.” Thomas lowered his book. “What is it?” </p><p>There it was again, Jimmy thought. That softness in his voice that he never heard him use, save for when he was talking to Jimmy. He never used it when he spoke to anyone else, like it was reserved just for him. He took a step toward Tomas’ bed, and then another when Thomas didn’t say anything against it. </p><p>“It’s more of a favor than a question.” Jimmy said. He was glad that it was late, the fact that he needed to keep his voice hushed helped conceal the tremble he guessed would have been much more apparent if he was to speak normally. </p><p>“I feel like a broken record today,” Thomas said. “But is everything alright?” An understanding look dawned on his face, and he started to untangle himself from the blankets. “Do you feel sick again?” He took two quick steps and was in front of Jimmy. “Do you have a fever?”</p><p>“No.” Jimmy croaked out, overwhelmed by both the worry in Thomas’ voice and the proximity of him. Thomas’ body radiated heat and Jimmy felt drawn to it, like some unstoppable force was pulling him in, taking over his mind and body and helping him do what he wasn’t sure he’d dared to otherwise.</p><p>Jimmy’s heart was beating so hard he thought it might crack him open, that it would break free from it’s jail inside his chest and lay itself bare for all to see. He felt like he was in a trance as he raised his hands and placed them on Thomas’ shoulders. He could feel Thomas’ confusion come at him like a wave and he tightened his grip just lightly to try and will him in place.</p><p>“I just want to try something.” Jimmy mumbled as he drew closer and slid his hands up to Thomas’ neck. Before he lost whatever power had possessed him he pushed up onto his toes and closed the gap between them, letting his lips press against Thomas’. </p><p>Jimmy could feel the hesitation of the other man, how Thomas fought to hold back for a moment. How he tried to keep the distance between them before he let himself believe. But then it was like the tension disappeared into thin air and left was only the yearning and longing that Thomas had tried to push away, all the adoration pouring out of him all at once. He was like a floodgate that had finally opened. </p><p>A broken sound came from the back of Thomas’ throat and he let his fingers come up to tangle themselves into Jame’s hair, pulling them even closer together. The scrape of his fingernails against Jimmy’s scalp drew out a moan from Jimmy, and Thomas slid his tongue into his mouth.</p><p>The sensation shot right down to Jimmy’s groin, spreading a familiar heat in his whole body. He felt himself harden quickly in his pants and pulled himself off Thomas with a startled breath. For the second day today he slammed his back into a hard surface to get away from Thomas. He pressed himself against the door, his breathing ragged and broken, and stared at Thomas. Thomas was standing still, his hair disheveled and his lips red and swollen. His eyes were fixed on Jimmy, a look of shock, lust and helplessness mingling in them.</p><p>“Jimmy:” He breathed out. “Jimmy please.” Thomas’ eyes were pleading too, asking Jimmy to be strong, to not open the endless ravine between them once again, not now when it had finally been closed.</p><p>“I-” Jimmy faltered. “I-” </p><p>He couldn’t.</p><p>He flung himself out of Thomas’ room for the second night in a row, not stopping until he was securely in his own room, with two closed doors between them. </p><p>“Oh god.” He whispered to himself. His skin felt like it was on fire, his mind racing and his erection throbbing uncomfortably in his pants. His stomach was one big knot and he felt sick, like the feeling when you were coming down with a stomach flu. He sank down to the floor, resting his head against the door, and realized that this would be yet another sleepless night for the first footman of Downton Abbey.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did Mrs Patmore NEED to squeeze through in a hurry or is she a bit cheeky when it comes to young love? Well, I guess we’ll never know, will we? (¬‿¬)</p><p>Unbetad!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> And forevermore </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> That's how you'll stay  </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jimmy made his way down the stairs slowly. He had managed to pass out from exhaustion alone yesterday and gotten himself a couple of hours of sleep, but when he woke up and got dressed he found himself unable to step out of his room. Whatever was out there waiting for him, it couldn’t reach him in his room. So he had walked back and forth, trying to not think about the previous evening and, of course, failing spectacularly at that. It was all he could think about. He felt brittle, like a thin cracker that would break just by someone touching it. <em> What if everyone could see? </em> How did you keep something like this from showing under the surface? Especially when he felt like his skin was so thin that a touch would pierce it instantly?</p>
<p>He had stayed in his room for long enough that he knew breakfast would be over soon. The thought of sitting down in front of everyone made his skin crawl, so he planned to stay hidden on the stairs until he heard the first bell start to ring on the board. He stood out of sight, trying to hear the conversation around the table.</p>
<p>“Has anyone seen Jimmy today?” Mr Carson asked. “Thomas?”</p>
<p>Jimmy’s heart did a loud thump at the sound of Thomas’ name. </p>
<p>“No Mr Carson.” </p>
<p>Jimmy felt his insides twist. There was no trace of the softness in his voice that was usually present when he spoke about Jimmy. Instead Thomas' voice was cold, like he was indifferent to the subject.</p>
<p>“Maybe he’s sick? He didn’t look to good yesterday I’m afraid.” Mrs Huges said. “Someone will have to go see.”</p>
<p>“That’s hardly the work of an under-butler, now, is it?” Thomas said.</p>
<p>Jimmy heard Carson draw a breath. “Mr Barr-”</p>
<p>Not wanting the situation to get out of hand, Jimmy quickly rearranged his features to a smile and dashed down the rest of the stairs.</p>
<p>“Good morning everyone!” He did his best to sound cheerful as he sauntered into the servant’s hall. “Did I miss something important?”</p>
<p>Despite his best efforts it sounded hollow and flat. </p>
<p>“Only breakfast, but seeming you’re late to it I’m not sure that you do deem that to be ‘important’” Mr Carson said, getting up from his chair. The rest of the employees hurried to stand. "Now, I have some final things to get done before his lordship and I are off to London. Alfred, I gather you should be ready soon?”</p>
<p>“Yes Mr Carson, I’m packed and ready to go.” Alfred answered.</p>
<p>“Good. Jimmy, I expect you upstairs to help load the car.” </p>
<p>“Yes Mr Carson.” Jimmy said.</p>
<p>Mrs Huges turned to him when Carson had left. “We were wondering if you might have fallen ill.” She said. “It’s not like you to miss breakfast.”</p>
<p>“I had something I needed to take care of.” Jimmy answered vaguely.</p>
<p>“Alright.” Mrs Huges said, sounding skeptical. “Well at any rate a growing young man like you needs his breakfast. See if Mrs Patmore can’t fix you something after you’ve helped load the car.”</p>
<p>“I will.” Jimmy managed a smile as she turned and walked off to get about her day.</p>
<p>He could feel the others looking at him, his excuse being both vague and probably very obviously a lie. <em> It had to be because of that, right? </em>It wasn’t because they could see what he had done? </p>
<p>“Jimmy, are you alright?” Anna asked. </p>
<p>When Jimmy looked up she looked concerned, and he quickly shot her a smile. </p>
<p>“Yes, no problem here. Better get moving.” How did his voice sound so.. empty? How did he usually sound? He couldn't remember.</p>
<p>She looked at him with an odd look on her face, but nodded and got going with the rest of the staff as the bells started chiming. </p>
<p>Jimmy lifted his gaze when he heard the sound of the bells. Almost out of their own will his eyes searched for the person he’d been avoiding looking at while in the servants’ hall. <em> Thomas. </em> His heart seemed to echo. <em> Thomas Thomas Thomas. </em> He was scared what he would see when he saw him, but couldn’t <em> not </em> see him this morning. He looked at Thomas, traced the familiar features with his eyes, but Thomas didn’t look up, his eyes were fixed on the paper he held in his hands and he seemed determined not to give Jimmy even a glance. </p>
<p>“Thomas.” </p>
<p>The name came over Jimmy’s lips like a whisper. He needed Thomas to look at him. He needed to <em> see </em> him. But when Thomas did look up, Jimmy wished he hadn’t. </p>
<p>Jimmy had tried to prepare himself for how Thomas would act toward him. Would he be angry? Would he be disappointed? Would he just be normal? Would he be unhappy? But the look Thomas gave him was neither of those things. I wasn't disappointed. It wasn’t malicious or sad. It wasn’t anything. Thomas looked at Jimmy like he wasn’t even there. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jimmy was in agony. Wherever he went all he wanted to do was to see a glimpse of Thomas. He searched for him in all the hallways and corners. He went for smoke breaks twice as many times than he normally would. He lingered just a bit more in every room, hoping and wishing that he would get to see him. But Thomas was like the ghost Jimmy felt like. He was nowhere to be seen and on the off chance that Jimmy would see a flash of him, he seemed to vanish just as quickly again, making Jimmy unsure if he’d actually been there or just a figment of his own desperate imagination.</p>
<p>Everything about the day made Jimmy both clumsy and irritable. Lost in his own thoughts he dropped things and knocked things over, and when someone scolded him for it he had a hard time not snapping back at them. He felt the others give him curious looks more than once and that just served to make him even more irritated. </p>
<p>When he came down the stairs with the tray after the Crawleys had finished tea, Mrs Patmore turned to him in the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Jimmy, have you seen Mr Barrow? I need to ask him about di-”</p>
<p>“No I bloody well haven’t!” Jimmy barked, slamming the tray down on the counter. </p>
<p>“Oh my, what’s got you so worked up?” Mrs Patmore said. </p>
<p>“You didn’t drop anything or her ladyship, did you?” Daisy asked worriedly. She’d been witness to Jimmy's clumsiness earlier when he had walked right into Mr Bates not seeing where he was going, and almost knocked him over as the cane flew out of Mr Bates' hand. </p>
<p>“Don’t be stupid, of course I haven’t!” Jimmy fumed. He could feel the blood pulse in his temples. </p>
<p>“Ooh we better back away now Daisy, or I think he might bite.” Mrs Patmore whispered loudly to Daisy. </p>
<p>Jimmy turned around with an exasperated sigh, not wanting to deal with the two women for one moment longer. He didn’t get very far, though. Once again that day he walked right into someone and he thought for a second that Mr Bates would have reason to be angry with him this time, until he realized that it wasn’t Mr Bates that he had walked into. It was Thomas. </p>
<p>Jimmy’s hands had flung up as he felt the impact and he could feel Thomas’ chest underneath his palms. He let out a breathy gasp and looked at Thomas. <em> He was here. </em> He was actually here, in the same room as Jimmy. Jimmy felt like his heart leapt out of joy. All of a sudden he felt giddy, like the whole, terrible day just faded away. </p>
<p>“Watch your step James.” Thomas said, stepping away from him. “Next time you’ll hurt someone.” </p>
<p>Jimmy's heart sank. <em> James? </em> Thomas never called him James . In the weeks they had been friends Thomas had always, always, called him Jimmy. Before that, even. It had taken a few days for Jimmy to catch on, but when he finally started calling Thomas by his first name instead of the more formal “Mr Barrow”, the joyous look in Thomas’ eyes had made Jimmy’s heart feel so light that he had decided to make a habit out of it. </p>
<p>“Anna told me that you were looking for me.” Thomas said, turning to Mrs Patmore. </p>
<p>Mrs Patmore who had been intently watching the scene unfold in front of her seemed to snap out of a deep thought.</p>
<p>“Yes, I just wanted to make sure that there has been no more additions to the guest list for tonight, before Daisy and I start on dinner.”</p>
<p>“There has in fact. Lady Rosamund is bringing a lady Margaret with her.” Thomas said. “But that’s all.”</p>
<p>“Well that we can manage.” Mrs Patmore said. </p>
<p>“Good.” Thomas nodded towards her and turned, quickly walking out of the kitchen. </p>
<p>“Th-” Jimmy managed to croak out, but he was already gone.</p>
<p>“Jimmy what’s the matter?” He heard Daisy say. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Surely Mr Barrow isn’t angry about you walking into him, not really.” </p>
<p>Jimmy didn’t manage an answer. Lost in his own mind he slowly wandered out of the kitchen, leaving Mrs Patmore and Daisy to cast each other curious looks. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Under water </em>, Jimmy thought. He was under water. The rooms and the people in them a blur, like in a watercolour painting. All the sounds were muffled, all the colours muted. Everything felt like it moved too slow, like there was a resistance to the very air around him. </p>
<p><em> James </em> .</p>
<p>The name echoed in him.</p>
<p>
  <em> James. </em>
</p>
<p>It made his body feel cold and his stomach churn.</p>
<p>
  <em> James. </em>
</p>
<p>Never had he thought he could hate his own name as much as he did right now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He made sure to be in the kitchen early so that Mrs Patmore wouldn’t get any more reason to think him odd, he’d done that enough for one day already. The first course wasn’t even ready yet, so he stood with his back turned to the door while she fussed over it.</p>
<p>“I wonder.” She said worriedly as she peeked into the oven. “Oh I wonder.”</p>
<p>“Stop worrying.” Daisy said, whisking sauce in a pan with vigor. “It’ll be fine if you just stop worrying.”</p>
<p>Mrs Patmore sighed and wiped her forehead with a rag. </p>
<p>“I don’t know why I put myself through this.” She said. “Trying new things when there’s guests in the house. They’ll think the Crawleys have a terrible cook if this doesn’t come out right.”</p>
<p>“Who’s they?” Daisy asked. “It’s only that lady Margaret that’s new, everyone else knows you’re a great cook! Isn’t that right Jimmy?” She gave him a pointed look.</p>
<p>“What?” Jimmy startled. “Oh. Yes, you’re a fine cook Mrs Patmore, everyone knows it.”</p>
<p>Mrs Patmore sighed again. “Will I never learn?” She said. “An old lady like me should know not to experiment, but just stick to what I know instead.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know about that.” Jimmy said. “If people just did the same things over and over, well, there wouldn’t be much excitement then, would it?”</p>
<p>“There’s plenty of excitement in my life, thank you very much.” She said and opened the oven again. “If only I had waited until tomorrow.” She said worriedly. </p>
<p>“It’ll be alright Mrs Patmore.” Jimmy said. “If people waited for the right moment to experiment I doubt they would ever happen. Better to have tried it, even if it fails.”</p>
<p>“Oh, and you’re the expert now, are ya?” Mrs Patmore huffed. “What do you know about experimenting?”</p>
<p>Jimmy’s thoughts took him back to the time he’d agreed to go to bed with lady Anstruther while he was still in her service, and he winced at the memory. “Sadly, a bit too much.” He said. “And that’s all I’ll say about it.” He continued when he saw Daisy’s eyes light up with interest. “There’s no need for me to be airing my dirty laundry to you.” </p>
<p>“No that’s quite alright thank you.” Said Mrs Patmore, reaching in the oven to grab the dish. </p>
<p>“Indeed. There’s no need for us to hear about that, James.” </p>
<p>Jimmy whipped around so quickly he felt like his neck was going to break. Thomas was standing in the doorway, his face dark and closed off. </p>
<p>“Aha!” Mrs Patmore did a little clap with her hands, not noticing the comment. “Oh look at these beauties!” She quickly put everything onto two serving plates. “Come on, come on!” She said to Jimmy and Thomas. “Off with you while they’re warm!” </p>
<p>Thomas quickly grabbed one of the trays and walked off, not deigning Jimmy another glance. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A footmans’ job during dinner, or anytime when standing at the ready, was to become furniture. He was to stand, his back straight and his eyes fixed at nothing at all, and just wait to be needed. Jimmy had always thought this to the most boring task of being in service, to make himself disappear into the wall. But he’d never complained or neglected to do so. Not until tonight.</p>
<p>Tonight he could feel his gaze drifting over to the other side of the room. No matter how many times he corrected it and chided himself internally that he would get in trouble, he just couldn’t stop looking at Thomas. All day he had wished and wished to see him, and now when he had gotten what he wanted, the agony was tenfold. Thomas was like a fever coursing through him, making his blood boil every time Jimmy laid his eyes on him. They had gotten through most of the dinner by now and Jimmy had managed not to make a complete fool out of himself. He was certain her ladyship had noticed his hand trembling as he held the tray out for her while serving the main course, but she hadn’t said anything.  </p>
<p>Thomas on the other hand seemed perfectly normal. He kept his gaze looking forward, not even once glancing at Jimmy. He looked like it was just any ordinary night in the Downton dining room, his face completely neutral. <em>How did he do that?</em> Did he not care about what happened last night? Jimmy felt his cheeks redden as his thoughts brushed against the memory of Thomas’ lips on his, how it had made him feel, how it- <em>Bloody hell.</em> Jimmy felt a familiar heat rise in his body. <em>No, no, no.</em> <em>Not now!</em> He tore his mind away from the memory and scrambled to think of something else. <em>Mr Carson’s sour face. Alfred’s smelly feet. The Dowager. </em>He let out a silent breath. <em>Keep your mind out of there, Jimmy.</em> He chided himself. Lady Crawley may have overlooked the shaky hands, but she would surely not overlook <em>that</em> at her dinner table. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All night while running to and from the kitchen with the different courses to be served Jimmy had tried to grab Thomas’ attention. He needed to talk to him, needed to explain what happened, but the under-butler seemed resolute in his mission to keep as far a distance from Jimmy as he possibly could. Anytime they were alone, even for just a second, Thomas kept his gaze off Jimmy and hurried away. Even Mrs Patmore seemed to notice their strange behaviour.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong with the two of you today?” She asked as Thomas yet again made to dash out of the kitchen. “I’ve never seen you two so keen on serving dinner before.” </p>
<p>Thomas didn’t stop to answer and all Jimmy could muster was a weak smile. He heard her mutter something as he took his tray and left, but he couldn’t hear what.</p>
<p>When dinner was finally over he still hadn’t managed to talk to Thomas yet, but he wan't going to let that stop him. He put his faith in Thomas’ evening cigarette. He never went to bed without having a smoke, Jimmy could count on that, so he would have to listen to what Jimmy had to say, whether he wanted to or not. </p>
<p>He looked for Thomas in the servants’ hall, but as he had suspected he didn’t find him in there. Jimmy hurried outside and looked to the wall where Thomas always stood. It was empty. <em> What? </em> With big strides Jimmy took a lap around, but Thomas was nowhere to be found. He dashed back inside. </p>
<p>“Anna, Mr Bates.” He said as he almost bumped into them in the hallway on their way out. “Have you seen Thomas?”</p>
<p>“He just went upstairs.” Anna said. “Is everything alright?”</p>
<p>“Thank you!” Jimmy called over his shoulder as he bolted up the stairs, not having time to stop for niceties or smalltalk. </p>
<p>Mr Bates looked after Jimmy with an amused look. “What was that about?” </p>
<p>“Oh, nothing.” Anna said with a knowing smile. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Let’s go home, Mr Bates.” She said, hooking her arm into his.</p>
<p>As he came flying up the stairs, Jimmy could see Thomas’ back as he walked toward his bedroom.</p>
<p>“Thomas!” He yelled. “Wait!”</p>
<p>Jimmy could see the figure before him stiffen, but at least this time he didn’t run away from him. Thomas turned around and looked at Jimmy as he made his way over, the thing he needed to say not being something that was wise to yell for everyone to hear. </p>
<p>His breathing was fast after the sprint up the stairs. “Thomas, I need to tell you.” He panted. “About last night.” He took a few quick breaths to try and make his breathing slow down. “I need to explain.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to explain.” Thomas interrupted him, his face dark and guarded. “I understand completely. It was just an experiment. Just a mistake. No need to talk about it, to <em>air</em> <em>your dirty laundry</em>. Good night James.” He said and turned around, leaving Jimmy standing dumbfounded and alone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know, I know, I’m sorry! But I promise it will get better for them. They're just being a bit silly right now &lt;3</p>
<p>Unbetad! Please excuse any grammatical errors, English isn't my first language. If you find something that's bothering you please tell me and I'll fix it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>That's why darling, it's incredible</span>
  </em>
  <em></em>
    <span></span><br/>
<em>
    <span>That someone so unforgettable</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em></em>
  <span>Thinks that I am unforgettable too</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop following me.” Thomas said as Jimmy slipped inside his room, carefully closing the door behind him to not draw any more attention to them than the scene in the hallway had already done. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas stood by his bed with his back turned, the slant of his shoulders a telltale sign of his exhaustion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to bed Jimmy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy’s heart did a small leap. “You called me Jimmy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to bed, </span>
  <em>
    <span>James.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Thomas corrected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy felt sick. How did everything get twisted into this? How could Thomas even for one second think that Jimmy felt what happened between them was a mistake?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thomas please.” He pleaded. “Thomas you have to listen to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I bloody well don’t!” Thomas hissed as he turned around. His eyes were dark and clouded, his face closed off. When he saw Jimmy’s desperate expression, his face softened a bit. “Look,” He sighed. “I understand. It didn’t mean anything. It was wrong of me to think it did. It was just an experiment, like you said. We can still be friends, I just need-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I love you.” Jimmy whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words hung in the air between them. The whole world seemed to fade away as Thomas stared at Jimmy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” He whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The colour had vanished from Thomas’ face and he sank down onto his bed, visibly shaken. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jimmy if this is some sort of-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not.” Jimmy whispered. His legs felt shaky. He cursed himself for feeling so weak in a moment as important as this. He needed to be strong now, needed to muster every bit of courage he could and make Thomas </span>
  <em>
    <span>understand</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He cleared his throat and tried to make his voice steady. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re my best mate.” He said. “I’ve never told you, but it’s true. That’s why I didn’t understand at first. You see, at the beginning I thought it was just that. Tried to tell myself that it was. But,” He took a step closer. “It’s not. How could it be? I haven’t slept for two days Thomas. Ever since I saw you, when you were-” Jimmy swallowed. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas gave him a confused look. “When I was?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy felt his face grow hot. “When you didn’t have your-” He touched the collar of his own shirt in lieu of words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas let out a short, breathy laugh. “Really? That’s what that was?” There was a look of wonder and disbelief in Thomas’ eyes and he gained some colour back in his face. “I did that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Jimmy said, blushing. “It was like, all of a sudden, I couldn’t make myself forget anymore. All the moments when you did or said something and I felt like my heart would explode. I was too scared,” He continued. “Of what it meant. So I pushed it away, made myself believe that I didn’t feel what I felt.” He swallowed. “I pushed you away. But then you saved me, even after what I did to you. Even after me and Alfred tried to get them to kick you out. Even after I called weak at that stupid fare game.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy’s blue eyes filled with regret at the memories. He shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was so stupid.” He said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas made a sound of protest, but Jimmy continued.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was. And then when I saw you, afterwards, I was too ashamed to say I was wrong. Too ashamed to even thank you. I just acted all high and mighty, like I did you some big favor by agreeing to be your friend.” He took a shaky breath. “The other night it all came back. Everything. And I’ve been a bloody wreck because of it. Because of the way I feel when I’m around you. And even when you’re not there I can’t think about anything else. I can’t forget you, even for a second. And last night,” He shook his head. “It wasn’t an experiment Thomas. I stood outside in the bloody cold for an hour before I came up with the courage to even come here. What you heard in the kitchen had nothing to do with </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you didn’t come down to breakfast.” Thomas whispered. “So I thought-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn't. Didn’t know how to handle myself. I was afraid you were disappointed in me for running off. For being scared and not knowing how to handle it. For not being brave enough.” Jimmy took another step towards Thomas. “For not being brave like you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Jimmy.” Thomas whispered with a pained look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I’m a brave enough person.” Jimmy said. “But I want to be. For you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas stared at Jimmy for a second longer before running his palms over his face. “Oh thank god.” He sighed. “Well maybe not god.”  He gave a short, elated laugh, shaking his head. “After yesterday I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I would survive just being your friend.” He looked at Jimmy and Jimmy could see traces of tears glittering in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas pushed himself off the bed and walked up to where Jimmy was standing, but stopped when there was about a foot between them still.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jimmy.” He said, his voice hushed. “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met. Don’t doubt that, not ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy felt like his whole body was trembling now, exhausted from the lack of sleep and the outpour of emotions, and he stepped closer to Thomas feeling a need to ground himself in some way.</span>
</p><p><span>Thomas,</span> <span>ever so observant and attentive</span><em><span>,</span></em><span> saw and pulled Jimmy into his arms, letting their foreheads touch.</span></p><p>
  <span>“I love you so much.” Thomas whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All the rest of the day melted away when Jimmy heard those words. The panic and the chaos didn’t matter anymore, neither did the miles and miles of distance that had opened up between them. That was gone now, made right by their words and Thomas holding him close. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy tilted his head up, desperately needing to feel Thomas’ lips on him again, and Thomas didn’t hesitate. He pressed his soft, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so soft</span>
  </em>
  <span>, lips against Jimmy’s in a chaste kiss, and Jimmy could feel his breath being taken away by the pure devotion he felt from the other man. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas brought his hand up to Jimmy’s face, but hesitated before their skin made contact. “Can I touch you?” He asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy swallowed nervously, but there was resolution in his eyes. “Yes.” He said. It came out breathy and hushed. “But,” He continued. “Maybe just take it slow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas' gaze was soft and warm. “You just say the word and I’ll stop.” He caressed Jimmy's jaw. “Promise me that you will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy nodded and reveled the feeling of Thomas’ skin against his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to say it.” Thomas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise.” Jimmy whispered, and Thomas leaned in to catch his lips again in a passionate kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas took his time, kissing Jimmy until he was soft and pliant, his breath hot against Thomas’ face. He let his hands wander all over Jimmy’s body, but avoided any areas he deemed would be too forward to touch just yet. He worked the younger man with his hands and lips until he was trembling and breathless underneath his palms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thomas.” Jimmy whined when Thomas let his hands roam over Jimmy’s chest as he kissed his neck. “Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know what he was begging Thomas for, he just knew in his hazy mind that he needed </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas pulled back from the kiss and held Jimmy’s gaze steady as he unbuttoned Jimmy’s shirt. Jimmy’s breath was laboured, his parted lips full and red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jimmy’s chest was exposed Thomas ran his hands lightly against the smooth, golden skin, eliciting a shiver from Jimmy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How gorgeous you are.” Thomas marveled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hurriedly unbuttoned his own shirt and threw it on the ground, and then dove in to kiss and nip at Jimmy’s jaw and neck as his hands explored the newly exposed skin, pushing Jimmy’s shirt off completely. Deciding to brave the unknown Jimmy put his hands on Thomas’ chest and earned a small moan from Thomas as a reward. Hearing the other man's reaction he grew bolder and let his hands move to Thomas’ neck, pressing himself against him. Encouraged by the response Thomas angled himself so that his leg could slot in between Jimmy’s, his thigh pressing against Jimmy’s crotch. The pressure punched a wet and needy moan out of Jimmy, making Thomas head buzz with lust. He walked backwards a step, guiding Jimmy around and onto his bed. Thomas quickly stepped out of his shoes and bent down to pull Jimmy’s off as well, and then grabbed Jimmy’s legs and pulled him completely onto the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy’s chest was flushed, his hair was a mess and beads of sweat had started to form on his forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you know how beautiful you are just now?” Thomas mumbled as he lowered himself on top of Jimmy. “Absolutely breathtaking.” He whispered close to Jimmy’s ear, kissing the spot beneath it that made Jimmy shudder and moan every time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thomas.” Jimmy whined and pressed himself against Thomas, chasing the pressure he desperately needed. Thomas’ words left Jimmy feeling completely and unmistakably wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas let his hands slide down Jimmy’s chest and stopped at the waistband of his trousers. Giving them a small tug, he asked. “Can I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Jimmy said feverishly. “I don’t have a bloody clue what men do together,” He confessed. “But your hands feel so good I just want them on me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas' eyes were dark as he looked down at Jimmy, making quick work of his pants. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh darling,” He said. “I can’t wait to show you all the ways I can make you feel good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy's breath hitched in his throat, the thick desire in Thomas’ voice sending a shiver down his spine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas removed both Jimmy’s pants and his own, leaving them both in their underwear, and kissed Jimmy deeply before letting his kisses trail downward, stopping to work at each nipple which made Jimmy gasp and squirm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was not how Jimmy had thought men were together. He did, contrary to what he had told Thomas, have some idea of what men did together. He didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>, really, it was just things that he had heard. He didn’t know if any of it was actually true. But nothing that he had heard of would have led him to believe it could be like this. That it could feel this </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas’ lips continued downward, kissing over Jimmy’s abs, placing a featherlight kiss on top of his navel, and then further and further down, closer and closer to-.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy gasped and looked down. “What are you doing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kissing you.” Thomas mumbled with his lips against Jimmy’s hip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that really d-decent?” Jimmy stammered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas stopped what he was doing and moved up Jimmy’s body so he could cradle Jimmy’s face in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When it’s just you and me between four walls, we decide what's decent.” He said emphatically. “It does not matter what other people think about what’s right or wrong. It only matters what we think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy relaxed at Thomas’ words, feeling the sincerity behind them. “Okay.” He whispered with a nod, his eyes big and full of awe for the man on top of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas kissed his way down Jimmy’s body again, taking care to not feel any hesitation from him before he continued downward. He pulled down the waistband of Jimmy’s underwear slightly and placed a kiss on Jimmy’s right hip, then on his left one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it feel good?” Thomas asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Jimmy said, his voice thick with want. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then it’s decent.” Thomas smiled, his eyes dark and filled with lust. He hooked his fingers under the waistband of Jimmy’s underwear and looked up at Jimmy, awaiting consent. Jimmy nodded, not able to take his eyes off Thomas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas pulled down the underwear slowly and dropped them on the floor. He let his hands stroke Jimmy’s legs upward and placed open mouthed kisses on his thighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah.” Jimmy moaned, his head hitting the pillow and his legs moving outward on their own accord to give Thomas better access. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not wasting the invitation, Thomas kissed the inside of Jimmy’s thighs, letting his tongue trace upward toward Jimmy's crotch. Jimmy was shaking already, his cock painfully hard and leaking. Thomas gathered that this would soon be over, but he was determined to make Jimmy feel better than he had ever imagined he could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hands over your mouth, love.” Thomas warned, and Jimmy quickly placed both of his hands onto his mouth to muffle any sounds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Placing one hand on each hip to hold Jimmy steady and help keep him grounded, Thomas dragged his tongue over the bead that glistened at the end of Jimmy’s cock. Jimmy’s whole body jumped at the sensation and he moaned into his hands as Thomas swiveled his tongue around the head of his cock before sucking down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas was in heaven. He worked Jimmy’s cock with his mouth, his head swimming with the taste of him, and he could feel his own cock pulse and leak inside his underwear. He could come like this, he thought, just by tasting and hearing Jimmy underneath him. One day, he thought to himself, one day you won’t have to hide your moans, love. One day we'll be somewhere and we’ll be free, and I will get to hear every last sound that you make as I make you come undone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thomas.” Jimmy moaned, his body overwhelmed with the sensation of Thomas' mouth on him. “I’m-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas slid one hand off Jimmy’s hip and down to cup his balls as he sucked down hard, taking all of him in, swallowing as Jimmy’s orgasm crashed through him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy felt as if his body might shut down. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was it possible to die from pleasure?</span>
  </em>
  <span> The thought chased through his blissed-out mind as he lay collapsed on the bed. He moved his hands from his mouth and looked down at Thomas, the sight alone almost enough to make him hard again. Thomas’ hair was a mess, raven strands glued to the sweat on his forehead as he lay between Jimmy’s legs. His lips were red, even more so than usual, and plump and swollen. Jimmy had never seen anyone look more beautiful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at the state of you.” Jimmy whispered and reached out to drag Thomas up so he could kiss him. Feeling a sensation of being fully content, of not having a care in the world, he also felt bolder than before. Thomas had worried that there might be a step backwards after this, that Jimmy would retreat away from the situation, but he needed not to worry. Instead of backing away Jimmy dove in head first, catching Thomas’ lips with his own and kissing him deeply, leaving Thomas astonished and out of breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy could see that Thomas was in desperate need of relief, his cock obviously hard in his underwear, with a damp patch growing on the front of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to help you.” Jimmy whispered. “But I’m not sure how.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just touch me Jimmy, please.” Thomas said feverishly. “Just like you would yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not bearing to see Thomas in agony, Jimmy kissed him again as he slid his hand inside his underwear, gripping Thomas’ cock firmly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got you.” Jimmy whispered, letting his hand find a steady rhythm as he let his other hand hold Thomas close, deepening the kiss further. Thomas felt hot in his hand, his cock smooth and hard, and Jimmy thought that next time, next time he would be brave enough to taste him. To try and make Thomas come apart as he had done to Jimmy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas moaned into Jimmy’s mouth and Jimmy could feel his cock pulse once, then once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Jimmy, please.” Thomas moaned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy squeezed Thomas’ cock harder and quickened the pace. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Jimmy whispered. “I’m here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas tore his lips away from Jimmy’s and pushed his face down into the pillow, moaning hoarsely as Jimmy worked him through his orgasm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world stilled as Thomas’ breath evened out, their legs tangled and chests pressed together as they came down from their high.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus.” Thomas mumbled and stole another kiss from Jimmy before pulling his underwear off and using them to wipe both Jimmy’s hand and himself off. He threw them unceremoniously on the floor and pulled Jimmy close, holding him against his chest. He pressed featherlight kisses on Jimmy’s shoulder and neck, making Jimmy shiver. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re amazing.” Thomas whispered. “Do you know that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy’s heart swelled and he leaned back so he could look at Thomas, feeling the last traces of the gap between them melt away as he looked into his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you survive the angst, you shall be rewarded with smut!</p><p>I hope this was long enough, I'm a bit rusty when it comes to smut, but also - poor Jimmy was so pent up we can't expect him to last very long, can we? </p><p>I'm already kind of itching to write more about these two! </p><p>And lastly: thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed this fic, please don't hesitate to leave kudos and comment, it's really encouraging and makes me equally giddy every time.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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